Bone Tired: The LA guide to living with SD

As you know, a sleep apnea device is basically an air compressor coupled with a mask that, in principle, pulses air directly into your lungs so that you can sleep.

In practice, it is an uncomfortable, ill-fitting device that makes very loud, rude noises and weighs a little less than your refrigerator.

It is so effective at keeping you and your significant other awake all night that the manufacturer has started marketing a “tandem his and hers device,” so no one can be blamed.

In fact, just one of those devices is as effective as a house full of college freshmen at keeping everyone within a half mile radius awake all night. Certainly, the worth of the device, as explained to me by a medical professional, is in providing the wearer with a more consistent sleeplessness than can be achieved by apnea alone.

Most Americans don’t need to be diagnosed with sleep apnea to find sleeping next to impossible — worry will do. There is plenty for the average American to worry about.

Statistics show that just two out of every hundred thousand Americans over the age of 50, has more than $70.13 in their retirement accounts, so that the odds of an American worker retiring before the age of 147 are slightly worse than those of winning Powerball two weeks in a row.

Then, there are terrorists. There are hourly product recalls. There are endless wars in countries with names we cannot spell in locations we have never heard of. And for relaxation, we watch cable news, where we are bombarded with things to fear with the same frequency and cacophony as that provided by a sleep apnea machine.

With the average American now getting only 2.23 hours of sleep a night, sleep deprivation has become a way of life, and that is the reason, we at Stevieslaw shall publish “Bone Tired,” The Less-intelligent-than-average American Guide to living with sleep deprivation.

In the guide, you will learn techniques to cope with sd, including:

1. Learning to Relax.

Of course you aren’t sure where you are, who you are with or why the police have taken an interest in you, but that is no reason to panic. Remember, no one does.

Troubled by the incoherent babble that passes for conversation when you speak? Haven’t you been listening to the talking heads on cable TV? And they get paid to babble. Learn to enjoy the surprises that life constantly offers you in your sleep deprived state, in or out of jail.

2. Limiting the Life of the Mind.

Since your attention span is shorter than that of an average toddler, it is probably not useful to spend your time unraveling the mysteries of cosmology. Instead, turn your attention to the 3 a.m. get-rich-quick programming on cable TV or to mindless sporting events.

Football works too. Did you ever wonder how fans are able to put up with sitting on metal chairs for hours, exposed to the elements---generally ice, rain, snow and wind---while dining on tubes of concentrated animal fat and flat beer? Simple. They are too tired to know where they are. Learn to root for the team with the brightest uniforms.

3. Accepting the wired life: Legend has it that an Ethiopian goat-herder noticed that when his goats dined on beans from a certain tree, they became frisky and didn’t want to sleep at night. The coffee craze was born.

Most Americans now accept the fact that lack of sleep goes perfectly with the wired feeling you get by consuming large quantities of caffeinated beverages.

And today, you need not limit your intake to just coffee. Jolt Cola anyone? The latest craze and the one we highly recommend is the ingestion of large quantities of 5 hour energy drinks. Not even the manufacturer knows what’s in them!

They have become so popular, particularly with the driving public, that stores which sell nothing but five hour energy drinks (in fourteen simulated berry flavors) are opening at interstate exits all over the nation.

4. Leaving important tasks and decisions to the experts, like Banking, Cooking, Dressing, or Driving.

For example, if you are destined to end up in Milwaukee with a blank expression on your exhausted face, it seems better for everyone if you take the bus.

Remember, the alternative is sharing the highway with long distance truck drivers, at least as exhausted as you, who are driving 72-wheel trucks at nearly supersonic speeds and care only about their next hit of pomegranate 5 hour energy drink.

Although the latest research suggests that eating the fruit from two tart cherry trees every night will give you an extra 4 minutes of sleep, we believe that sleep deprivation will only get worse. Buy yourself a guide, in your next moment of clarity, and learn to live with sleep deprivation. ■

By STEVE DEUTSCH

VOICES Satirist

[email protected]