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When is a Rainy Day Not

Stevieslaw: When is a Rainy Day Not

Our local Newspaper, The Centre Daily Times, published a partial headline today.  They often do.  Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, picked it up right away.  The headline was: GOP plan restores school funds.  The missing part was: On the Backs of the Poor

The headline was misleading in any event.  Only part of the public school funding will be restored and only those parts of public welfare are that wasteful or fraudulent will be cut.  You might well ask why we have been funding wasteful and fraudulent public welfare up to now.  Well, you might ask.  The cynical among you will imagine that the change of plans for the GOP was based on the realization that supporters of public education were more likely to vote and to contribute to reelection campaigns than were the neediest.

Smokey ran down Jim Smiley, spokesman for the PA Republican Caucus, and asked him what was responsible for the change in strategy.  Jim said, “Simple, we came to the realization that supporters of public education were more likely to vote and to contribute to reelection campaigns than were the neediest.”

Smokey also wanted to hear about the GOP reluctance to use a windfall, half billion dollar budget surplus to hel

Tom Corbett to Seek "Historic Site" Legislation

The news that fracking firms could drill at will at archeological sites of importance created a furor today in the offices of Tom Corbett, Governor of Pennsylvania and man of the people. Our own intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, was dispatched to Harrisburg for the story.  Smokey met with Ben Loudly, voice of the Governor, who confirmed that “Tom is very concerned.” “What we fear, of course,” he said with emotion, “is that ghosts of Native Americans roused by the drilling process will begin to haunt energy executives and high placed government officials.”  “Today, we will introduce serious anti-haunting legislation to prohibit any sort of nightmarish reprisals from long dead, Native Americans.”  “We must always keep in our minds that overtired fracking firm executives might make mistakes that reduce both profits and contributions to the governor’s reelection campaign.”  Loudly concluded by stating, “We expect this legislation to pass quickly through both Republican controlled legislative chambers.” “Enforcement rules will certainly be in place well before this Halloween.”

Anyone remember the old Joni Mitchell song, Big Yellow Taxi.

Goldman Sachs and Global Warming.

StevieslawConnectthedots: Goldman Sachs and Global Warming.

New calculations that suggest the melting of Arctic and Antarctic Ice will have us underwater sooner than we thought have not resonated with much of the American public and their elected leaders.  In fact, the only significant legislation pending in Congress is a bill to cut hot air exhaust in half, by forcing Rush Limbaugh to shut up.  Americans are still rightly confused about the reality of global warming, as many get their understanding of science from a badly translated text that is thousands of years out of date.

At Stevieslaw, we have learned to judge the truth of any proposition by considering how the obscenely rich corporations (ORCs) are approaching the problem.  To do this, we dispatched our intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, to the White Mountains of New Hampshire where Goldman Sachs is just starting to build their new corporate headquarters atop Mt. Washington.  Smokey caught up with Ian Floemm, mouth of Goldman.  Mr.

Getting Out of Dodge

Many of us woke to the long-awaited news that Osama Bin Laden had been killed by U.S. forces, in an early morning raid on his hide-out in Pakghanistan, just down the street from the Pakistani’s major military academy.  Those of us that wake to Fox News learned that it was Obama Bin Laden that had been killed, but no matter, I’m sure they meant well—and the letter “b” is really very close to the letter “s” on the keyboard.*  Anyway you slice it, this is very good news and we should immediately turn to the next question.  How soon can we get our troops out of Pakghanistan? Why should we leave now, you ask? Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, gives you the big three reasons:

  1. The Taliban have a killing season. They announce the start of their Spring Offensive as a rock group might announce their concert dates.  You expect to hear that tickets are available at most major outlets and there is no reserve seating.  How crazy is that?  We used to think that this war was Vietnam revisited, but can anyone imagine the Vietcong announcing that the Tet offensive will start in two days—sorry for the delay, but we have had our problems getting S. Vietnamese Ranger uniforms. Grandma Smokey always said, “Never fight anyone crazier than you are.”
  2. The Taliban have help from our allies.

StevieslawConspTheory101: I Believe, I Do

Psst.  Psst. You. Yes, you.  Now that the President has shown he was born in the USA, I bet you are looking for another conspiracy theory to latch onto.  I have one right here in the inside pocket of my raincoat.  Closer.  Yes, you.  Don’t you want to be the first person that I tell about it. It’s a doozy.

Americans are dumb and they are likely to get dumber. Yesterday, on the John Stewart Daily Show Forum, someone wrote in about the solution of an equation that was apparently floating around on Facebook.  The equation was: 6-2(1+2)=?  As of late last night, the correspondent wrote, roughly half of the 300000 people who tried to solve it got it wrong.  The nice thing about the story---which is true of any good story---is it doesn’t matter if it is “factually accurate” or not. The point is, it’s believable.

So, if that little example shows that many Americans have not been getting a quality education, imagine what our future will look like with the significant cuts Republican Governors have been proposing for all levels of public education?  Private school vouchers for the few, at the expense of public education? Terrific idea.  And so, so much kinder than distributing blankets infested with smallpox to the natives of poor neighborhoods across our farms and cities.

So, if you would like a little conspiracy theory, you might ask yourself who benefits from a poorly educated population.  Gee, that’s a tough one.  Anyone have a calculator?

The title of this piece is from the great Tom Paxton song, I Believe, I Do:

I Believe, I do, I believe its true.
I believe exactly what they tell me to.
I believe, I do. I believe its true.
I’m a simple guy, I believe.

To the Gun Lobby: Don't Shoot. We Give Up.

It seems that at least once a week our local newspaper, The Centre Daily Times, treats us to an article about the six “w’s” of the gun law. Today it was, “Leaders debate guns in parks.”  We would like the gun lobby to know that we will do anything not to see another senseless article on gun control.  Our hands are up. Don’t shoot.

Take your Glock wherever you like. Take it to school, just in case the teacher assigns too much homework or the kid in the next row “disrespects” you.  Bring it to church, in case you are attacked by a rival denomination.  Take it to the movie theatre, in case the villains leave the screen and wander through the audience looking for victims.  Take it to the supermarket, in case you need to defend the ten items or less check-out line.  Take it to the park, in case Smokey the Bear mouths off about fire safety.  Take it to the bathroom, in case you are constipated.  Take it to make love, in case you need backup. And remember to take it to heaven, in case you need to defend your cloud—‘cause who the hell knows how up to date St. Peter’s terrorist check list is.

StevieslawPubServAnn: Squelching Naturally Gaseous Rumors

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David Caruso, of the Associated Press, reports in this morning’s Centre Daily Times that the natural gas industry will stop using riverside water treatment plants to get rid of millions of barrels of tainted wastewater that results from fracking. Read more »

A Good Citizenship Guide for Energy Producers


Posted on by stevieslaw

Smokey Diamond was able to obtain The Good Citizenship Guide for Energy Production Corporations: A Primer, this week.  It is surprisingly short.

  1. In applying for a permit to drill, blast, or frack, cite the extensive research you have done that shows “nothing bad could ever happen.”
  2. Using lawyers and lobbyists, buy as much government as you can afford.  The money you never really spent on extensive research should help.
  3. Have government confirm that your research claims are not only valid, but are uncontroversially so.
  4. Patiently explain that studies that claim the water supply will be damaged by your energy extraction is just propaganda being put forth by leftish, extremist, environmental terrorists.  Feel free to use photographs of Arabic looking men building bombs, in you print ads.
  5. Fight the environmentalists in court.  Let the case drag on for as long as possible. Appeal. Appeal.

Republican Primary to Air on Fox as the Reality-like Show, Lost Too

Our own intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, has uncovered plans by the Republican National Committee to frame their 2012 primary race in terms of the popular TV show “Lost.” The Reality-like show will air on Fox News more or less 24 hours a day. Smokey has learned that the RNC has already contracted with the “Lost” Island for the year long show. The Island has, reportedly, been looking for work for several years now.  The show is, tentatively, to be called “Lost Too,” in deference to the earlier TV show and—adds Smokey—“to the probable tenor of the Republican debate.”

The RNC is not concerned that much of the public is unfamiliar with the plot of the original show. They feel that the plot can be as easily explained as say Michelle Bachmann’s economic plan for American prosperity. For the purpose of this article, Smokey provides the following basic outline of the original show. A cast of dozens survives the crash of a jetliner (submarine, sailboat, or galleon) on an evil/heavenly magical island.  Some bad/good people, who were either Native Born, or came to the Island with their pregnant, illegal immigrant mothers, are already there. The crash occurs again and again.

Tom Corbett Babbles like a Blighted Brook while the Associated Press Looks On.

Peter Jackson of the Associated Press, reporting in today’s local paper, has Pennsylvania Governor and man of the people, Tom Corbett, assuring citizens that he will “not let them poison the water.”  Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, and I would like to offer Tom a shout-out—“Good job Tom, we were hoping that the prevention of a poisoned drinking supply wouldn’t be too much of a stretch for the governor.

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