The news that fracking firms could drill at will at archeological sites of importance created a furor today in the offices of Tom Corbett, Governor of Pennsylvania and man of the people. Our own intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, was dispatched to Harrisburg for the story.  Smokey met with Ben Loudly, voice of the Governor, who confirmed that “Tom is very concerned.” “What we fear, of course,” he said with emotion, “is that ghosts of Native Americans roused by the drilling process will begin to haunt energy executives and high placed government officials.”  “Today, we will introduce serious anti-haunting legislation to prohibit any sort of nightmarish reprisals from long dead, Native Americans.”  “We must always keep in our minds that overtired fracking firm executives might make mistakes that reduce both profits and contributions to the governor’s reelection campaign.”  Loudly concluded by stating, “We expect this legislation to pass quickly through both Republican controlled legislative chambers.” “Enforcement rules will certainly be in place well before this Halloween.”

Anyone remember the old Joni Mitchell song, Big Yellow Taxi.

Many of us woke to the long-awaited news that Osama Bin Laden had been killed by U.S. forces, in an early morning raid on his hide-out in Pakghanistan, just down the street from the Pakistani’s major military academy.  Those of us that wake to Fox News learned that it was Obama Bin Laden that had been killed, but no matter, I’m sure they meant well—and the letter “b” is really very close to the letter “s” on the keyboard.*  Anyway you slice it, this is very good news and we should immediately turn to the next question.  How soon can we get our troops out of Pakghanistan? Why should we leave now, you ask? Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, gives you the big three reasons:

1. The Taliban have a killing season. They announce the start of their Spring Offensive as a rock group might announce their concert dates.  You expect to hear that tickets are available at most major outlets and there is no reserve seating.  How crazy is that?  We used to think that this war was Vietnam revisited, but can anyone imagine the Vietcong announcing that the Tet offensive will start in two days—sorry for the delay, but we have had our problems getting S. Vietnamese Ranger uniforms. Grandma Smokey always said, “Never fight anyone crazier than you are.”
2. The Taliban have help from our allies.

It seems that at least once a week our local newspaper, The Centre Daily Times, treats us to an article about the six “w’s” of the gun law. Today it was, “Leaders debate guns in parks.”  We would like the gun lobby to know that we will do anything not to see another senseless article on gun control.  Our hands are up. Don’t shoot.

Take your Glock wherever you like. Take it to school, just in case the teacher assigns too much homework or the kid in the next row “disrespects” you.  Bring it to church, in case you are attacked by a rival denomination.  Take it to the movie theatre, in case the villains leave the screen and wander through the audience looking for victims.  Take it to the supermarket, in case you need to defend the ten items or less check-out line.  Take it to the park, in case Smokey the Bear mouths off about fire safety.  Take it to the bathroom, in case you are constipated.  Take it to make love, in case you need backup. And remember to take it to heaven, in case you need to defend your cloud—‘cause who the hell knows how up to date St. Peter’s terrorist check list is.

Smokey Diamond was able to obtain The Good Citizenship Guide for Energy Production Corporations: A Primer, this week.  It is surprisingly short.

1. In applying for a permit to drill, blast, or frack, cite the extensive research you have done that shows “nothing bad could ever happen.”
2. Using lawyers and lobbyists, buy as much government as you can afford.  The money you never really spent on extensive research should help.
3. Have government confirm that your research claims are not only valid, but are uncontroversially so.
4. Patiently explain that studies that claim the water supply will be damaged by your energy extraction is just propaganda being put forth by leftish, extremist, environmental terrorists.  Feel free to use photographs of Arabic looking men building bombs, in you print ads.
5. Fight the environmentalists in court.  Let the case drag on for as long as possible. Appeal. Appeal.

Peter Jackson of the Associated Press, reporting in today’s local paper, has Pennsylvania Governor and man of the people, Tom Corbett, assuring citizens that he will “not let them poison the water.”  Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, and I would like to offer Tom a shout-out—“Good job Tom, we were hoping that the prevention of a poisoned drinking supply wouldn’t be too much of a stretch for the governor.