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Stevieslaw: A Tea Party Endorsed Christmas Carol

The House Republican Caucus announced today that they will perform “A Tea Party Christmas Carol,” for contributors on the Mall this Saturday night.  The production will be directed by John Boehner.  Starring as Scrooge will be the versatile Eric Cantor, who candidly admits, “except for my performances in the House and with the Media, I have not acted since High School.” Eric says that in the play, “Scrooge wavers in his belief that the “one-percenters”, as job producers, should not be made to pay for anything.”  To convince him of the error of his ways, Scrooge is visited by four ghosts on Christmas Eve. In the Tea Party version, however, Scrooge is not visited by his decreased partner, Jacob Marley, but by the ghost of Ayn Rand--- and here, we have been told, unofficially, she is to be played by the great Sara Palin.  Ghosts of the past, present and future are replaced, in the production, by three robber barons (actors are to be announced, but rumor has it all three parts are to be played by Glenn Beck).  Boehner guaranteed that the part of the inept and inefficient, Bob Crachit, will be played by Barack Obama, while his crippled son, Tiny Tim, will be played by Harry Reid.  Although spokesmen for Obama and Reid have both denied that they will act in the production, Boehner assures us that “they will play their parts.”   
Fox News is already calling the production “A triumph of American ingenuity---a capitalist manifesto,” although they do admit to not having seen it yet.  Fox also advises that you bring lots of tissues to the production on Saturday night as, “in spite of the best efforts of compassionate conservatism, Tiny Tim cannot be saved.”

White House Loses All Touch with Reality

The nation section of our local, the Centre Daily Times, picked up an article out of Washington today declaring that the White House has no evidence that extraterrestrials exist. Apparently, the White House has a feature on its website that allows people to submit petitions that they must answer. In response to questions about extraterrestrials, Phil Larson of the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy said that the White House has no evidence that life exists outside the earth, or that any member of the human race has ever been contacted by ET.
No matter how you come down on the issue, it is quite clear that no one at the White House, from the ground floor up, has been listening to the Republican Presidential Debates or reading the Republican candidates statements in the News. Clearly, they are sadly unprepared for the reelection campaign.

Republicans to Cut Wealth Gap

Hope Yen, writing for AP, reported today that the “wealth” gap between the old and the young is increasing. Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, was startled—and trust me when I say that the one thing you don’t want to do is startle Smokey Diamond.
“Do you mean to say,” he queried “that people who have worked all their lives, have paid for a house, and subsist mostly on Social Security are wealthier than young people that are just starting out, have an underwater mortgage, and are having difficulty in finding jobs because there aren’t any.” “Astonishing,” he murmured. “And, he noted, “it is a nice touch having the headline for the article call it a “wealth gap,” when the difference is between people living on social security on those living on nothing.
Smokey reports that the Republican caucus on the Hill was positively gleeful over the study results.” Their spokesperson, Rip Cutcaus, took time out from his busy schedule of explaining the Republican strategy in blocking job bills and denying a continuation of Federal Unemployment benefits to tell Smokey, “This is the death knell for entitlement programs such as Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid.” “We have catered to the old for too long and the result is this huge discrepancy in wealth.” “Moreover, this is a problem Republicans can solve,” continued Rip.

My Cousin Vinny Remake

Stevieslaw: Reworking “My Cousin Vinnie.**”
At Stevieslaw, we are shopping an idea for a “Cousin Vinny” remake—be sure to tell your many Hollywood director/producer friends. In our rewrite, a Joe Pesci look alike and a Ralph Macchio look alike have a hell of a good time in a small town in Mississippi. Too good a time. Under the new Mississippi law, they are charged with murder by birth control. The young and ambitious district attorney seeks the death penalty, as a headline grabber. They are saved in the end by the Marisa Tomei character—a wise cracking, New York accented young woman, with a truly encyclopedic understanding of birth control methods.
Tell me you wouldn’t go see this movie twice.

**Voting on Conception as Legal Start of Life
By ERIK ECKHOLM –NY Times 10/26/11

Myron Pipes In

Myron Pipes In
Myron, my fire-eating red-headed cousin, does not often find his name and the word compromise in the same sentence. He is particularly hard on the filthy rich, waiters and idiots. It is not all that unusual for Myron to throw one of each through a plate glass window in any given month.
When he called me to suggest a compromise on the Keystone XL pipeline project, I was stunned.
“I had a great idea for the project,” Myron told me. “But I don’t know how to publicize it.”
“I’ll put it on my blog, cousin,” I said. “That way ten or twelve people this year will read about it.”
“It’s a start,” said my cousin. “A very, very small start.”
Myron’s compromise is simplicity itself.
1. Build the pipeline. It will create tons of good paying jobs in the middle of a jobs recession.
2. Have the oil companies pay for the pipeline construction using their very large pool of government subsidies. They won’t miss it.
3. Don’t connect the pipeline to anything in Hardisty or in Houston/Port Arthur. Keep it empty and shiny.
New jobs. No new taxes. No environmental mess. It’s a win, win, win.
As an aside, Myron is heartbroken about his Yankees.

Wall Street Wheat

Wall Street Wheat
When I was a graduate student, way back before the beginning of recorded time, board games were still the rage. A group of us would meet at someone’s place, late at night, and play Monopoly or the world conquest game Risk. We also played a game based on the Chicago Commodities Market, called Pit. In it, we tried to corner the market in some commodity by trading with each other. As I recall, trading was accomplished by each of us holding up commodity cards while screaming for a trade at the top of our lungs. You had to drink a lot of beer to be successful at the game, but the playing field was level and the beer made the game just that much more fun.
I just received a new version of the game from Amazon and was astonished to learn that the rules have changed. In the new version, you and your friends get to sit in a corner somewhere and worry about the price of staples—food, heating oil, and gasoline, why Wall Street fat cats in suits bid for the commodities through stylized computer codes.
Beer anyone?

Wall Street and the Vets

Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, and I love when our local newspaper, The Centre Daily Times, asks and answers its own question in the same issue. Today, they ran the article by Adam Geller of AP headlined: Protest’s Mission Remains Murky, about the Wall Street protests. What do these protesters want? The CDT provides a simple answer in the article out of Atlanta in which “a whistle-blower lawsuit claims several large banks and mortgage companies defrauded military veterans and taxpayers out of hundreds of millions of dollars in a “brazen scheme” to hide illegal fees. Proven? No. Plausible? Oh yeah.
The protesters want crap like this to stop. The NYTs today reports that Mellon Bank was being sued for overcharging their customers some 2 billion dollars in exchange fees. Perhaps that stuff should stop as well.
The Geller article picks up on the new Wall Street defense—the victims-are-equally-to-blame-rule. Why did they go for the teaser mortgages or run up their credit card bills? Aren’t they responsible too? Sure. But in this country, we still recognize the difference between foolish and evil. Buying a well-marketed slice of the American Dream is, in retrospect, foolish.

Fashionable Facts

Fashionable Facts

As we all secretly believe, fact is like fashion. The fashion model, Heidi Klum, who hosts the runaway hit show Project Runway says it best, “In fashion, one day you’re in, the next day you’re out.” That’s why our intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, was so pumped to test the hot new app, “She loves me—or not,” available exclusively at Stevieslaw. Smokey says, “With facts, as with fashion, one day they’re correct the next day not. “Now you can use the SLM-ON app to test any “fact” for instant accuracy, just as long as the test can be posed as a simple yes or no question.”
Have trouble believing the earth is round? Ask forty-four million of your equally misinformed peers their opinion. Today, you will find that 57% believe it is not. Bingo—today, the earth is flat. And, tomorrow? Excited yet?
SLM-ON can help with the simplest fashion questions, “Should I buy this new blue shirt because it makes me look thin (just upload the photo)” to the thorniest of philosophical queries—“Is there a God and does he look like Woody Allen?” (1.Yes 14%: 2. Yes 87%: 3.Yes 86%). Can’t sleep? Stay up all night and watch the evolution (pun intended) of your truth.
Real Americans will be happy to note that SLM-ON has already been warmly endorsed by the Tea Party.



Okay, come clean. Give it up. We, at Stevieslaw, are starting to really like Barack Obama again—we suspect you are too. Sure, he is not FDR or HST or even JFK, but he’s hardworking, sane and has had to deal with a really bad hand dealt by a really bad bunch in DC.
And now that he is in campaign mode, he is really easy to like. He may not do Presidential well, but he is one super campaigner. The guy just seems so genuine and so sincere that we can feel the hope well up inside us more and more with every passing day. And, he is helped enormously by his warm, welcoming wife and two pretty perfect children. Starting to feel the love?
But the thing Obama does best on the campaign trail is to drive the Republicans crazy. They spend all their time being anti-Obama, even when there is nothing much to be anti about. And the people they end up nominating. He had them so frazzled in 08 that they let themselves nominate an old guy with a visible chip on his shoulder and a bobby-doll knockoff from Alaska with the nickname, ditz. This time they’ll go with someone who doesn’t believe in evolution, women’s rights, or global warming. Perhaps, they will find some joker who rents a stadium, so his followers can pray for rain.

Evaluating the Value of Values

Even here at Stevieslaw, a liberal sinkhole if ever there was one, we recognize the existence of things of intrinsic good—or values, if you will—the touch and voice of a loved one, the delightful babble of a baby playing with new found sounds, the laughter of an old friend. The things we “believe in” are precious, often fleeting, often intensely personal, and impossible to base a government on.
Today’s article by David Lightman, of McClatchy Newspapers, touched on the history of the tea party movement—a loosely organized group of mostly disaffected Republicans, who see both traditional political parties as proponents of big government. The poorly worded survey that followed the article was more revealing. When asked “what qualities are most important to you in deciding who to support for the GOP nomination,” 35% responded—share your values—while 18% said—is closest to you on the issues—which we interpret as more votes for values. Only 24% responded with—has the experience to govern.
Let us agree to run the country on the things we value—I vote for the miracle of a gentle rain on the morning of a fine day in early spring. Who’s with me?

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Dr. Radut